July 22, 2008
Where have I hid me?
Because you are right. On almost all accounts. At least, those that I still remember now.
When you don't know what is good or bad for yourself, then that's really bad. 'Cos you can't make choices and if life is about choices, that means you are pretty much fucked.
Have I spent a good big part of the past one-plus year trying not to remember such that not remembering is now really first nature, rather than second nature to me?
Has my initial seemingly rational decision to hide and protect myself evolved to become a self-centered and indifferent state of personality?
Knowing all these, what do I intend to do about it? You asked. A couple times.
I don't know. Can I say that I don't want to think about it and don't want to do anything about it? Does that make me less of a person, less of a person who should be capable of feeling so much more and thinking so much more? Does that make the people around me worried? Does that make them upset? Is that bad for them? Is that bad for you?
I want space. I want a lot of space. Because I just do. I don't want to deal with other people, unless totally necessary. I can't afford a lot of choices that others seem to think I can make. I don't think I can. Or can I?
Is it because it's late and I usually talk a lot more nonsense and feel agitated and lost and confused easier at night? Or is it really because I am more lost than I had planned to be and more confused than I had imagined?
Can I say that I just want to sleep on it and not do anything about it? Will I become another person altogether after many, many nights of not wanting to do anything about it? Will I become a person that even I don't know?
And start asking, again, "What happened to me?"
I already started asking that many times recently. Can I just push all the blame to you? That you made me realise another side of me that I am still not fully aware of? Can I blame someone for this?
I'm so tired. I want to sleep. I want to believe. I want to have some renewed trust in people. I want to be able to convince myself that it's ok, everything is ok, that there's nothing to guard against and I want to find that person who used to think, "So what? What's the worse that can happen?"
I need to sleep. Seriously.
And in case I forget, this is after a conversation I had with Emman. I don't want to take pills to improve my memory. Really.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:24